RICHARD BURGER

With all the other stuff that’s happening to our poor old planet, I almost hate to bring this up, but it’s something we should all be thinking about. Yes, I’m talking about sun burnout. It’s coming!

It’s something scientists have known for a long time. At some point, the star we know as Sol, the center of our solar system, will run out of hydrogen, the fuel that keeps it burning.

When this might happen is not known for certain, but Sol is using hydrogen at a prodigious rate, about five million tons every second! 

Though scientists may not know exactly when it will happen, they all pretty much agree about what will happen when the hydrogen runs out.

In a nutshell, old Sol will become a huge chunk of carbon and oxygen and begin cooling off. He will no longer provide the heat and light we have come to know and love. 

Of course, that won’t be all bad. For one thing, we won’t have to buy sunscreen any more. But we also won’t be able to get a tan just by lying outside in the summer, either. We’ll have to go to tanning salons for that. We’ll also have to keep the lights on everywhere all the time to be able to see. No more day baseball. Between that and the lights on the tanning beds, our power bill is going to go way up!

But it gets worse. No sun means no plants. Next thing you know, you won’t be able to find much to eat, even at McDonald’s. 

All in all, when the sun goes out, things are going to go downhill fast. So, what can we do about it? As you’ve probably already figured out, the key here is hydrogen. The sun needs a lot more of it. The good news is that we have plenty of hydrogen here on earth. 

It’s in water, and fortunately, 70 percent of our planet is covered in water. That’s a lot of hydrogen! I don’t know about you, but I’d be willing to give up some of the water in the ocean to help keep the sun burning. After all, what good is the ocean if you can’t go to the beach and get a tan?

I think we should start planning right now to send as much water as we can to the sun. I know it sounds kind of counter-intuitive, putting water on the sun to make it stay hot, but that’s science for you. And believe me, the science on this one is settled.   

Besides, getting rid of some of the ocean water would probably be a big relief to all those people who think that the oceans are going to rise and inundate the Maldives and Guam and maybe even part of Los Angeles (though that last one may be just wishful thinking). It’s definitely a win-win!

Normally, this would be something the federal government would take care of, but they’re pretty busy dealing with a lot of other stuff, what with congressional elections coming up in a few months and all.

So, I’ve decided to get the ball rolling myself. I’m forming “Friends of Sol,” which will be a non-profit organization to encourage and coordinate scientific efforts to prevent and reverse solar cooling. 

We really need your support, because we have to buy business cards and stationary and set up a web site. Also, there will be some administrative salaries to pay, of course. But as soon as we get past the ramp-up costs, we’ll be putting a lot more of the proceeds from your donations toward hiring some scientists. I’ve heard there are some looking for work in Great Britain. 

I know, you’re probably thinking, “Gee whiz, not another dang donation request!” But before you decide, think of the kids. Are you going to saddle them with a solar system that’s in decline? Do you want them to be pale and hungry and unable to pay their power bill? That’s just… un-American, isn’t it? Sunlight should be a right! 

Besides, with your donation, we’ll be sending you your own “I’m a Sun Saver” sticker you can proudly display wherever you enjoy the sun. Look for more details coming soon! -RB